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quickly & quietly [04 Oct 2007|01:05am]
jealousy is an intense emotion that i am not equipped to face here. now. so i quietly desperately try and find a tiny crack a small light to tell the secrets the things pushed under the rug to have someone see my discontent with the smallest concern. and the feelings are just resting and growing and my worries are beginning to permeate my mind. i have nothing to worry about, but i cant stop thinking. analyzing. questioning. finding secrets and people and why did i not know this? over and over. the hiding has to stop. he's leaving tomorrow for the weekend. we had a hushed conversation in the library with a silent walk back. i took a shower to relax. come back hwew. he's on the phone, he's now been on the phone for 40 mins. right when i walked in he walks out. so now ill just fall asleep alone in the one place that is my comfort. the place that i seek solitude. and now im alone, with no warmth next to me. he's leaving tomorrow and we're not even spending time together right now. i make time for 'our' time, and he's gone.
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tears of joy. [16 May 2007|12:04am]
it just hit me. and i can feel it so deeply. and as i type this i can feel the warm tears running down my face because for a very moment this feels so real. i saw it, i felt it. i finally understood this. i received just a glimpse of the future and reality. and the present and how my surroundings now will never have to be mine again.

i sat here and was just listening to music and it hit me. and all i could do was put my face in my hands and feel and see and know. only for a second did i feel the final accumulation of it all. the distance the time. the realization that the waiting is over. i saw all my old doubts, how my reality use to be my day dreams and all i did was allow them to be for so long because i let them. where did this strength and determination come from? i am amazed with myself and i cant only respond with tears.

this really is amazing.
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changes in my life // you will see in time [11 May 2007|01:42am]
it's really hard for me to comprehend that i got in. and now almost a week later after meeting with her, i still cant believe it. even after receiving my official acceptance letter, im still in shock. and im trying to write now to process my thoughts about the whole thing and i still can't. i dont know what to think. so many things go through my mind. but wow, i did it. i did it all by myself. i got in and if i want and choose to, i can completely change my life. and at times this is so empowering, but sometimes i just feel like, what do i do with this? something that is all mine?

i just typed the word changes way to much. but i dont know how else to describe it. things are going to change so much.

all i do is imagine that time on the beach again that i wrote about last and i get so excited. i get so excited about that this is the beginning of something so new. a better school. sunny days. different people. new experiences.

i suppose i will just keep working towards figuring stuff out and just take the steps i need to complete this process. i will just figure out my feelings and surpirse about the whole thing later?
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i saw it in our sunset. [08 May 2007|01:05am]
i felt it in my veins all the way to my finger tips. the disappearing sun on my skin. and i lied there on the beach listening to those songs and i felt complete and happy. i saw the future and i saw light. we shared secrets under a towel. creating the safe place to say the things we always knew about each other, but were to scared to say. i said it all. and my tears didn't feel cold. sad. nostalgic like usual, but warm and i welcomed them to my face as he wiped them away. we lied there and he said he could see his reflection in my eyes. i looked up at the setting sun and saw life in front of me. life. love. and beauty. an old couple walked in front of us. who knows how long they had been together but they laughed and talked like years of marriage had not taken away all the love that brought them together. the old woman looked over at us and smiled, who knows why and what she thought or remembered, but as i laughed and saw her face i saw my reflection in her face. we could have been in a movie as we lied there for hours. talking. laughing. drinking. looking over and smiling. silently knowing that this was the beginning of many more sunsets.
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fear of the unknown. [19 Apr 2007|06:38pm]
im already feeling crushed. already assuming the worst. already letting my heart break. today was reality check that i wasnt prepared to hear and i can't help but cry. i cant help but feel my day dreams are being ruined. my future plans not being my future.

i see myself getting stuck. feeling more and more stuck. watching my surroundings having to have to become my home. feeling my world get smaller and smaller. a force outside of my control is dictating my life. taking control of it and taking my dreams crushing and twisting them in her palm, not realzing they are my light. easily dismissing me and not realizing the desire, the hard work, and passion that i have.

it's hard because this is so now out of my control, but i will do everything i can anything i can do to get past this and do it and get in and hopefully that will be enough. i cant change the past, but only work towards my future.

i suddenly feel so helpless and if she only knew how deeply i want this. how much this is apart of me. if only through my words and actions when i meet her can i convey this. if only she could see in me and feel what i feel, see what i see, know what i know, and tha she herself may feel overwhelmed with my motivation and desire to really accomplish this and do well.
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i wish i wrote in here more. [10 Apr 2007|11:05pm]
i have a kidney infection. again. at school. & it sucks.

...i want to write a proper update soon when i no longer feel awful. because i have a lot of emotions inside me, of course no new ones, but their always present.
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life has been insane. [01 Mar 2007|12:27pm]
i have never been more busy in my entire life.

that is all.

i want to do a full update later, but some steps have been made in the good & right direction. some people are just trying to hold me back.

nope, not gonna happen! yeahhh.
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erase & rewind: world has been turned upside down [10 Feb 2007|11:19am]
once i told my dad i filled out my application to transfer to psu next term, he told me i was making the biggest mistake of my life, but... i could still do what i want.

now: he has decided that i can no longer leave oregon, no matter what. if i want to leave at any time, i will no longer receive money from him at all. nothing. zero. and funny question, how much do i have right now in my bank account. yeah, $7. so transferring is no longer a possbility, if i want to receive my u of o tuition.

it's funny because i am always so concerned about being with ben, missing ben, how can i go through time without him? my life felt off without him here. but now, gosh why was i worrying? at this moment he is the most stable and consistent thing in my life. definitely one of the happier aspects of it. im not even worried about him anymore and now lately have no time to think about him all the time. i felt trapped here in eugene, but now i feel infinitely more trapped, having to stay here three more years?

the plan: i have to finish the year here. my thoughts on that. well, sometimes i feel hopeless. the other day i had never cried so hard in my entire life. i sat and cried for i dont know how long straight. until i realized that i could no longer cry and live my life in my room crying, but i couldnt stop. i went through half my day in classes, walking to and from places, going to the financial aid office...crying.
this term i will focus on leaving, fill out the transfer applications i can, have my mom do my fafsa, do as many scholarship applications. im going all the way. continue working so somehow i can pay for this transfer. fucking kick ass in school, having a brillant gpa. so that there is no reason i have to stay here.

for next spring term, i am going to write down everything wrong with the university of oregon. and come up with some kind of solution for each problem i have. than proceed to fix each problem. somehow next term, i will make this work. if i like it, than i stay. if i feel this way still...im getting the fuck out. and nothing can stop me. the way i feel now is not my normal self, and im not in a healthy environment for me. luckily, my rooomate is home this weekend. i have my own space, one that isnt disgusting.

sometimes i feel so hopeless, so desperate, so terrible. trapped. rejected. betrayed by my father. angry at my father for making this decision, but sometimes i feel grateful for this. i feel empowered because i remember hey! this is my life...this is my happiness.

and more than ever i believe in these words,

if there is a will, there is a way.

nothing can and nothing will stop me from changing this. from creating a happy space for myself. creating a world that is mine, because ive only got this one chance and no one and nothing will control my life. my choices. i will not fall under the radar, but for myself and to show my dad, this is my life. and as corny as all those words sound, im starting to believe in them. and in myself.

nothing can & nothing will stop me. this is my life. :)
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love profusion. [05 Feb 2007|12:11am]
sometimes i wonder if i am really living lately. and i wonder if i am living my life to the fullest because all i do is count down the days, daydream to take me to that place, go through the motions to do what i know i have to do. i thought with the time this distance would get easier and i would get use to us being apart. it's not getting easier. but all i do is think about us, write about us, look at pictures of us. just apart of me is missing & distance doesnt care. my body sometimes physically aches & i still cry. i still lose my breathe. i still lay awake sometimes, longing for the person who should be next to me. & to imagine...we could be apart like this for years. what a life to live!

i have so many decisions to make in the next few months about what i am going to do. i wish i wasnt so blinded by my feelings and i could rationally and logically think about my desire to go to school down there. when everyone supports me, including my family, i still just want to stop myself from blind charge and take everything into consideration. any decisions i make will effect me for the rest of my life & that's heavy. he says, ' i want you to come here, but it's your life and your choice.' and those words hold weight, but he is apart of my life, he is my orange half.
what if things were great? what if things ended up being awful? there are a lot of reasons why it would be nice to go down there, but would i really seriously want to if he wasnt there? i don't know & that i dont know scares me.

he isnt all of me, he doesnt make me, but i feel the best when he is around & i cant deny that. i cant help but feel that way. i dont think that it's wrong.

im going to california again in just a little over two weeks. remarkable. at these moments late at night it just hits me, the intensity of this. the fact i paid $230 of my own money, spend hours of my time on a person. on a relationship...and im happy because i feel like it's worth it.

i get stuck on the two of us and wanting to be with him all the time, but at this moment i have to remember i have so many more important things i need to focus on. what do i want do with the rest of my life? what do i want to do next year? i really cant be here anymore in eugene. so much is going on that my mind feels cluttered and i cant catch up. i just need time to meditate & relfect. i need guidance on this situation.
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how i feel: [16 Jan 2007|10:39am]
with you in my garden
its more peaceful inside
i don't need anything else
to make me feel alive

you electrify me
and i want to be in your arms
for always
for always

our love is swollen
made of the quietest shade of loud
holds me like an anchor
floats just like a cloud

...such a good song. :)

new news: we decided to officially be boyfriend & girlfriend! i am in an official long distance relationship!? i dont know. i dont think things will be any different really, just have a title and no longer able to makeout with guys i dont even really like anyway. i have a lot of thoughts on our new 'relationship' but overall im positive about it and i think it's going to be a good thing. ill write more about it later.

the past few days have been so nice. and again, my time with him felt like a dream. so so corny but very very true! i cant explain how complete i feel with him. and sometimes when im not with him i allow myself i feel empty inside, but i remember lying next to him or holding his hand and i feel myself coming back together and i look forward to the time when i can be with that again. it helps me realize that im not stuck feeling gloomy and sad and yes, i can be happy. it's nice to realize that.
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maybe, just maybe. [09 Jan 2007|02:57pm]
i think im avoiding unpacking my stuff because i dont really want to believe im back here.

...or im just lazy.

i think it's a combination of both.
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trying to breath, [07 Jan 2007|11:44pm]

i want my real home.
my heart is aching that i have to be back at this place.
my heart just aches and hurts and misses the people that i love.
i feel really lost.
and i cant even compose my thoughts to even type a normal entry. it's just this weirdness.

luckily, my sunshine is coming on wednesday. it's going to be weird to have him here because i have always wanted him here. imagined him next to me in my bed, when now, he will be for awhile. it will be interesting to kinda go to school with him, i mean he wont be going, but he will be here and that's all that counts.
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it would be beautiful. [30 Nov 2006|09:25pm]
imagine, if we could go through everyday with your hand in mine.

...i imagine all the time. everyday. all the time.

realization: i haven't been myself since i left him. i need to find myself again. but how can i be the person i use to be when when i was with him i was the best person i could be?
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dramatic. [27 Nov 2006|02:30pm]
sometimes i miss him so much i can't breath. sometimes when i walk alone at night i have to stop because i cant even process my emotions & thoughts about him. sometimes i miss him so much while falling asleep it hurts. sometimes my arms and side tingle trying to remember and feel his arms around me.
i miss his voice.
i miss everything about him.

also, it is snowing outside. i hope it sticks & someone comes and drinks hot chocolate with me and i get cuddles afterwards!
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i have to admit. [13 Nov 2006|10:03pm]
this is one of the hardest and most emotional times i have experienced.

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i don't know if this is good or not...?! [29 Oct 2006|01:02am]
but, lately i feel the safest walking by myself, with my warm jacket, and music playing in my ears. and during that time here, i feel the happiest.

i was walking back to my dorm tonight and the air was so cold on my face and my fingers were so cold i felt like i couldn't bend them. and i walked away from all the craziness that was behind me and when i was walking my mind felt so clear and people weren't freaking out about this party or that party. this cop that cop. it's all so boring. so i just decided to come back here.
i don't know if this makes me anti social or just smart to know when it's ok to just give up on the night. and feel good about it.

because laying here feels nice.

someone tonight, whose opinion i actually care about told me that he thought i was one of the coolest people he knows, but that i don't let people get to know me and that im not very nice to new people. it was a kinda backward compliment. and i realized when i responded and thought about my answer, how yeah i can seem like a jerk. i try to be nice to people and am nice to people i want to be nice to, but sometimes you can be as nice and friendly as you want with someone and it doesnt make a difference to them and they dont even care. it seems like people expect someone to be super nice to them and then in response they can be a jerk.

im going to hug my teddy bear and listen to doves and it's going to be really nice & i think that makes a beautiful saturday night.
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hmph! [26 Oct 2006|07:35pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

i have been going to the rec center everyday and i love to watch everyone workout. i know that's kinda weird, but i am starting to see the same people everyday. older, younger students, the super skinny, athletic, and the overweight. today i was sitting on the bike and thinking, why do these people workout? just watching all these girls and guys working out so hard and sweating so much on the equipment, i just wonder what are girls motivation to get to the gym? is it because they think some guy they like doesn't like them because they think they're fat? do they want to just be healthy? i just think about it because so many of these girls are sweating and breathing so hard and reading cosmo, and jane, or vogue while they're doing it. maybe it's just easy reading to distract their mind or maybe it's those magazines that's motivating them. i mean i really love working out because it's a nice time to listen to my music, and yeah i have my own vain reasons for working out, but it's so nice to workout, take a shower, and just feel warm and feel like i did something good for myself. i guess my point is, i just dont want anyone there to feel bad about themselves and who's to say they even do. i dont know. i admire everyone working out but i just feel bad, i dont want people to have to feel bad about themselves when they look at other people and wish to themselves, "i wish i looked like her or him" because i do that all the time. and it's not fun and it's exhausting. sometimes i just wish i could eat whatever i wanted, do whatever i wanted, but i don't because i know im better for not doing those things. but it would be easier to not care.

i don't sleep anymore. 6 and 4 am bedtimes for 9 am class is really taking its toll on me. im exhausted, but refuse to fall asleep in class, so i just feel like shit. :)

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it would be so nice. [19 Oct 2006|01:08am]
[ mood | somewhat content ]

i desperately want to be in another country right now. i feel restless and i cant focus on the very easy assignment i have to do.

i want to see something new and i want to be around different people. i feel like so many people are the same around here. nothing here is fufilling for me and i find myself doing things to try and fill a void that im just making greater. simply im just in a rut.

if anything why cant my mom just come get me and at least take me to arabian breeze?! that would be very nice. i asked her and she said that im not allowing myself to settle in. well, i dont think i want to feel comfortable around these people because i dont want to be like a lot of them. at all.

but a funny thing, i got a years supply of birth control from the health center. i just wanted my perscription filled and instead i got a years supply...for free! it just seemed odd to walk out of the clinic with so much stuff. so its cool, no more paying for that! yippie!

...otherwise this weekend is going to be boring because i decided i dont want to drink anymore for awhile. & to be social on the weekend one must drink, so im thinking...
1. starting a sober sisters knitting club [joking]
2. sitting in my room alone and watching movie.
3. go to sleep early
4. possibly finding someone who will be super cool and not drink too.
because hanging out with drunk people wouldn't be to much fun i think.

i don't know. we'll see.
but operation make alana happy & healthy is well into effect.
[i have worked out three days in a row! had my first meditation class today! etc]

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observations of the day i want to remember. [12 Oct 2006|10:23pm]
1. today in one of my classes we watched this film about the ikung people in botswana, and it really brought me back to south africa. granted, this was about botswana, but the language was basically the same along with the scenery. i really think i want to live in south africa and learn zulu and work among the zulu people. i could do some type of hiv/aids work? that would be so wonderful and fulfilling for me.

2. between one of my classes i sat in the grass by this couple, a reasonable distance away, but i could still hear their entire conversation. so i ate my chicken curry in the sun listening to this couple breaking up and it really just broke my heart. i felt like i shouldn't be listening to the conversation, but i couldnt help it. i just happened to be close enough to hear the whole thing. the girl was crying so hard and he just kept telling her im sorry, i just didnt think we were together anymore. after awhile i thought i was going to start to cry so i put on my music, but as i got up to walk to class i couldnt help but notice how they were standing. she had her body totally turned open towards him with her head lowered wiping her tears away while he stood facing her directly with his arms crossed, it basically described the entire conversation. i just wanted to hug her, she was so devasted.

3. in discussion about karma in my buddhism through art class someone actually said to the professor, "have you ever seen the show my name is earl?" "no. what kind of show is that?" "well it's about this man named earl and he has this list and he tries to go back and say sorry for all the bad things he's done. it's totally all about karma. we should watch it in here, it would be really educational!" ...


sometimes my feelings feel like they run so deep inside of me, that i might crack open. they're so strong. it's like a necessity that i cant bear anymore. i want him around so much. i want his arms around me. i just cant even describe these feelings inside me about this. it's amazing & confusing. it makes me so happy, but i always feel like im on the verge of tears because i miss him so much. all the time.
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i can't wait. [09 Oct 2006|05:52pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

i went home this weekend. some parts of it were nice. some parts were a little hectic. but i love that city and so many things about it. i needed to go home and enjoy the little things that i took for granted. my favorite part was eating oatmeal my mom made for me and waking up to her sitting on the side of my bed rubbing my face.

i use to snap at her whenever she would come into my room early in the morning and hug me because i was always so tired, but here when you dont receive that kind of affection it was more than welcome.

i cant comprehend the happiness i felt earlier today. i slept only two hours last night so i came back to my room to try and nap after class but instead i just sat there hugging my teddy bear so hard with a huge smile on my face. i bet if megan had walked in, i would have definitely looked like a weirdo. im not sure if it's going to happen yet, but if it does i have no idea what i'll do with myself. it will be way to cool, im just not trying to get my hopes up.

the future excites me.

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